Starting to date again is a biiiig decision and one which is very personal.  For me it wasn’t even on my radar for a long time.  I had way too many things to think about to even consider adding something else into the mix.

Plus I was enjoying being on my own for the first time in 13 years.  My job, the house and the children took all my time and energy from a day to day practicality point of view but I also craved alone time, thinking time. I was still very much taking it one day at a time at this point, actively trying not to think too much about the future but I needed to process what had happened, how it made me feel, was this what I wanted, where did I go legally from here.

My priority was the girls and navigating the new relationship with my ex husband with as little fallout as possible.  We had to sort the money and the house and time with the kids.  We put a deed of separation in place but I will cover the legalities in another post.

On the days and weekends I didn’t have the girls, I would just be with me.  I started to paint and write, I did a lot of reading and I’d go walking in the Lakes on my own which is my “happy place”.  I did a lot of admin work and I also spent a lot of time on the house.  It was still a mess as we’d only moved in 6 months prior and it needed a lot of work.  I focussed on getting the girls’ bedrooms decorated and furnished followed by my own.  

I spent time with my parents and siblings and friends but I preferred to be alone as I spent a lot of time with my parents when I had the girls.  

DATING

After about 8 months had gone by and the desire for human companionship started to return, I started to think about the possibility of dating again.  I was 38 by this point and I had a completely nonsensical idea in my head that I had to start dating again before I turned 40.  This is nonsense as I am 40 now and I can confirm I look pretty much the same as I did at 38.  😆 

I signed up to Elite Singles and eHarmony.  Neither of which are free or cheap but I wanted to meet a special someone.  Someone who was also looking for love and who wanted to settle down.  I had no issue with the more casual apps but that wasn’t what I was looking for.

Now these apps are like rabbit holes.  You open them for a couple of minutes and emerge 5 hours later with a head like a guess who board.  There are lots of filters to refine your search and both have detailed bio pages.  But despite the sheer number of people on there, it was surprisingly hard to make headway.  This was my first foray into online dating and it was like a virtual marketplace where you could browse the goods on the shelf.  But people didn’t reply and you realised their profiles were inactive or they just weren’t interested or you’d get a message from someone who lived 400 miles away.

I sent “smiles” to a few guys who I just didn’t hear back from.  But then I started chatting to a nice man who had two young boys.  Older than the girls.  I think they were 8 and 5 and my girls were 4 and 2 at this point.  

But you could tell he’d done this before.  His manner of speaking to me was like he was going through a checklist in his head.  Like he had a list of predefined criteria and I had a pass or fail rate.  Now I didn’t blame him for this in the slightest.  You could just tell he was a bit jaded with the whole thing.  I also had a list of predefined criteria I wanted in my next life partner but as someone new to online dating it all just felt really demoralising and depressing.  I wasn’t a person, just a list of attributes with a tick or cross next to them.

I also started to think about what it would mean to be with someone new, like what that would really mean and I got cold feet.  Replying to him didn’t feel exciting and new, it just felt like another task to add to the to do list for that day.  After a week I apologised to him and said I wasn’t ready.  I could almost see him roll his eyes through the phone.  

At the same time I’d sent a “smile” to another man who requested I upload some photos.  I did this but then I didn’t hear back from him.  So I was like, erm ruuuude.  😂

I abandoned all attempts for internet dating completely for the next few months.  Didn’t login at all.  I enjoyed the summer with my children and family and finalised the deed of separation with my ex husband.  I decided I wouldn’t go back to the dating world until it had been at least a year since my breakup which was at the very end of August.  

FIRST DATE

Around the middle of August I received a “smile” back from the guy who requested the photos.  I was like well he ignored me so I’m going to ignore him.  Childish I know.  Plus it was still two weeks until my arbitrary deadline of the end of August.  So I left it a couple of weeks before engaging with him.  He then took another week to reply back to me.

We then started chatting through the apps, we were both on eharmony and elite singles, before moving to what’s app.  We got on really well.  It felt more natural and less forced than previously.  Less like you were just going through the motions.  I told him I wanted to go slowly as this all still felt like a betrayal and made me feel incredibly guilty.  

Now I’ve been told since that it’s generally the done thing to meet up with a prospective partner fairly quickly so you’re not wasting your time.  However I was under the impression you were supposed to message for quite a while before meeting.  So I suggested a time a month down the line.  This was partly because I was busy and partly because I needed to wait for a weekend when I didn’t have the girls.  

So we made our plans to meet at a country pub for a couple of drinks.  But it didn’t quite go to plan.

My ex husband had been at the house earlier that day for a chat and to collect a couple of things from the garage and had accidentally taken the back door key with him when he left.  He then embarked on a trip to the south coast with the keys still in his pocket.  I couldn’t lock the back door and didn’t want to leave the house. It was the end of October and dark.

My date was therefore rerouted to my house which was way more full on than initially planned.  My house was a pigsty.  I spent 10 minutes like a cleaning whirlwind.  By the time my date arrived I was a sweaty tomato.   He did have flowers and wine with him though which was very sweet.  Despite an impromptu trip to B&Q with him bearing witness to my driving and his best efforts to change the lock we ended up with a locksmith.  We sat in the living room drinking wine to the romantic sounds of a locksmith loudly drilling a hole through my back door.  £200 and one hour later we took another bottle of wine and went for a walk.  Our first date culminated with swigging wine from the bottle, on a bench, in the dark, by a river, at the edge of a cricket pitch.  

But it was marvellous and we’re still together two years later.

Always expect the unexpected!